Online Poetry | Poems | Self Potraits

4 past 8 in the morning

My body got cold and then my bones began to shake. By the rate that my heart dropped it created a fucking earthquake.

I had so many high hopes for you. For us. But you were never caught up in love, just an endless amount of lust.

So now I'm lying in your bed at 8:04 in the morning and I've got tears streaming from my eyes instead of simply yawning.

Where did you go when you said that you'd be nearby? Would you blame me if I told you I love you and I have no idea why?

Time is not enough

And it hurts me so much knowing that you're not listening to what I'm saying. Some days I feel like falling down on my knees and to start praying. Praying my heart out to a God that I don't believe in who claims to own the skies, but how am I supossed to trust in anything when the foundation of my trust is put together by so many lies?

I've been higher than my hopes that I set up for us, but I've also been lower than the fact that in your words I simply can not trust. Why would you take me for such a fool if you find me more precious than the rest? Why do yo have to be yet another failure when I put you to the test? Sometimes I wonder and I wonder whether I have gone fucking insane, because how can one person's heart fight through so much disappointment and pain?

I look for answers scattered among the stars and I try and see a glimpse of hope between all the passing cars.

But there is nothing. Nothing ever to be found and still people tell me I have to be strong and stand my ground. What if I start sinking into the depths of not letting go? How will I ever learn to overcome my sadness if getting my way is all that I know?

You see the thing is my heart has been buried alive by my very own hands. My soul has been brutally torn apart by each little strand.

Heartache upon heartache I build up this wall of uncertainty for some form of protection, but now that it is completed I can't seem to find any fucking direction.

No matter what I do or what I say I always end up crying out my last bit of strength when it comes to the end of the day.

Lonely. Lonely and scared I lie wrapped up in all of my fears and instead of counting sheep, I lie here counting my tears.

Will there ever be any rest for this broken world of mine? Will I ever find a way to escape from this darkness before the end of time? See time is claimed to heal and to make things right, but there never seems to be enough of it when I try and put up a fight. A fight against my own will and need to simply just give up and let it all consume me, because I have already given up on the fact that you can simply choose to be happy.

I've had

I've had bruises and I've had cuts. My whole life has been hanging on a thread held together by 'what ifs' and 'buts'.

I've had the purest of lips laid upon my fragile soul; the ones who have torn me apart were the ones that once made me whole.

I've had promises and vows heal my broken dreams; sewing together a future just to rip it apart at the seams.

I've had many a lover wiping away my tears; taking away all my regrets, but just waking up new fears.

I've had so many restless and unbearable nights. Hours of sickening insults and unbearable fights.

I've had my heart demolished and beaten to the ground and when I was down on my lowest more sorrow was all I ever found.

Milligrams of tar

So I'll sit here and smoke away the milligrams of tar, looking up to this empty galaxy, hoping for a shooting star. As the nicotine burns
my lungs black as the night I curse myself for all these childlike rhymes that I write. Burning papers, watching reality turn into ashes.
The pain in my soul is represented by the tears dripping from my eyelashes. Hatred, regrets, doubts and mistakes; I'm sitting on the
sideines watching my own heart break. Speed up the process, this feeling is unbearable. It is worse than being a porcelain doll spending
its whole life stuck on a window cill. Fears and worries won't get you anywhere, it will just isolate your dreams and make you wish you
could get there. Taking a step means nothing if you're taking a step back, you'll just trip over your memories and eventually collapse.
You have no motivation, it's blocking out your inspiration and now it is your last bit of hope that has been forsaken.

Get up, stand up, slap yourself in the face, screaming and clawing at the reflection of a disgrace. These thoughts are torturous and undeniably real, just like all these inexplicable emotions that I feel. Possible scenarios keep playing out in my head, makig me fear the future more than the monsters that reside underneath my bed. Maybe I'm going crazy, just a little bit insane, because when I wake up at three in the morning I'm screaming out your name. As I sip down my coffee in the cold morning light I try and figure out how I made it through yet another pointless night. Every day is the same, it's like my life is on fucking repeat. All I do is think about my own demons that I have to try and defeat. Are you tired and lonely? Maybe a little bit scared? Then why did you ever think you can make it through life so unprepared? You're weak and brittle, but you're every girl's teenage fucking idol, but they're unaware of your troubles. They don't know that you're suicidal. I've seen everything and I've heard it all. I've seen myself rise up high and I have watched myself fall. Life is brutal, there is never enough satisfaction and everything good seems to be just another disappinting distraction. Smiles and laughter don't last as long as tears and your dreams aren't nearly as big as your biggest of fears. So sit back, relax and try and enjoy the ride - just remember your negativity and your lack of pride. Don't you worry your pretty little mind - no one can ever truly leave something behind. So I'll sit here and smoke away the milligrams of tar, looking up to this beautiful galaxy, making pointless wishes on meaningless stars.

This time around

And this time around time just won't be enough, because you can't chase something that isn't yours to love.

A dream is a dream, but this life can be a nightmare especially when you've set yourself a goal and there's simply no way to get there.

I'm tired of being tired and I'm sick from all these tears, because I am being smothered by uncertainty and so many fears.

Save me, please, I need some form of assistance, because I'm doubting reality and all of existance.

Loveletters

Loveletters and paperplanes.

(Oh what is this, am I going inane?)

Words of heartache and screams of fear.

(What happened to my laughter? All I have is tears.)

Endless hours spent staring at the walls.

(Fights and insults have replaced our 8 hour phone calls.)

I'm drained of energy, my soul is so tired.

(This brutal reality has got me so wired.)

Broken memories and shattered dreams.

(You have torn me apart by the depths of my seams.)

Oh, save me, my love, from what you have turned me into.

(I need you so badly, but fuck, I hate you.)

Restless

Why am I constantly on the verge of letting free these tears? Why I have I gone through such inexplicable sadness for the past few years?

My body shudders under the cold emebrace of all the thoughts running through my head and I'm counting my tears and sobs instead of sheep when I'm lying sleepless in bed.

My heart feels heavy and my breathing is limited and fast. I'm only reminded of unbearable times whenever I think back to the past.

This anxiety; this uncertainty. What the fuck on earth does it feel like to be happy? Someone please give me an idea, I don't think I'll ever figure it out, because selfdestruction and selfhatred is all my life is about.

I can't promise to hold on to see if I find my happy ever after, because who said that pain can't be hidden by some plain and simple laughter?

I feel like a disgrace; one huge fucking disaster.. The day I let go of my last breath is all that I long after.

Fearless fear

Fear has wrapped itself around me like the arms of my lover.

I can't seem to run anywhere, because the darkness is my only cover.

Will I ever find a way to make it through the night?

My doubt stands tall as I don't have energy to put up a fight.

Help me, someone, save me from my misery.

I can't figure out how this is what my life has come to be.

Confusion

And all of a sudden this confusion is fucking with my head. Causing countless hours and unbearable thoughts when I'm lying next to you in bed.

What the fuck am I going to do to keep these voices away? No matter how hard I try I can't ignore what they're trying to say.

Am I just delusional or have I completely lost my wothless mind? I need to find a way to press pause in life and then to rewind.

Even if I get a new start I'll be sure to fuck it up again. If you had to ask me when last I didn't hate myself I wouldn't be able to remember when.

I'm a little bit lost in this ocean of my tears which grew bigger and bigger around me as I passed on through these years.

Will I drown? Will I survive? I honestly don't care, 'cause it's never been all that great being alive.

So I'll say my sorrys and get rid of each and every little regret, because time can heal and forgive, but nothing can ever make you forget.

It'll all be fine

This isolation is eating away at my heart. Tearing all of my sanity and hope apart.

I feel lost.

I feel alone.

I'm lying in my bed in my house, but still wishing I could go home.

Unhappiness has embedded itself deep within my bones.

Broken by words and not so much by sticks or stones.

Is there a way for me to ever be okay?

I would never kill myself, but I don't necessarily want to stay.

Help me, save me, show me that I'm worth something more than these tears. Why can't I smile without pretend after all these torturous years?

I'm scared, absolutely terrified.

Within my sadness and doubt is where my mindset resides.

No escape, I'm caught up in my own regret and there is nothing on this brutal planet that can help me forget.

You can tell me it'll be alright, that I'll be fine, but I'm sure you wuldn't if you've lived this life of mine.

Depression

Depression, depression, depression

My lonely mind seems to have become your obsession

Causing me sadness and so much insecurity

Fucking with my emotions and mind's maturity

You make me look like an absolute mess

Making me angry and in turn my lover distressed

But yet no one seems to understand that this was never a choice

I try and explain it, but it's een as an attack due to me raising my voice

I pray and I pray and I pray

That maybe one day happiness will come and choose to stay

It's not easy, having a hurricane of emotions in my heart

Because everything that it good it seems to rip it apart

I seek for answers, but all I come across is more confusion

Making my nightmares seem like a reality and not an illusion

You, depression, you make me feel so small

But for some reason I always answer when I hear your voice call

Why, why, why, why, why am I so lost

I'm trapped in the darkness and my whole future is at cost

You'v taken so much from me, please, don't take him too

I'll do anything to keep him in my life, I promise you

Take my hopes, take my reams, but please don't take our love and rip it apart at the

seams